


A Letter To Gucci's Muse

by LittleSpoonStyles94



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Fluff, Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-02 09:36:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20273788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSpoonStyles94/pseuds/LittleSpoonStyles94
Summary: He has loved him since he was only 16. Together with their band they took the world by storm, falling harder in love. Until Louis' betrayal broke Harry's heart beyond repair. Years later, Louis decides to write Harry a letter......





	A Letter To Gucci's Muse

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys. Here's my new one shot. I do hope you like this. Any feedback is very welcome. Enjoy. All the love, M

Louis sat in his kitchen clutching his mug of tea tightly between his palms. It wasn’t even dawn yet and as always, sleep had eluded him like it had for the past few years. His tired eyes stared unblinking at the bright screen of his laptop, gazing at Harry’s face. Twitter was full of Harry today! Twitter was always full of Harry when Harry was not MIA God knows where and only God knew with whom, something Louis did not like to dwell upon because if he did, his thoughts would turn very dark and his depression would flare. His psychiatrist had told him to steer clear of any thoughts, situations or people who flared up his depressive episodes but he couldn't help wonder where was Harry, what was he doing and who he was with.

But today, Twitter was full of new pictures of Harry promoting the new Gucci Perfume Memoire D’Une Odeur. This morning when Louis had given up on sleep around two in the morning, he had come down to his kitchen as usual to make tea and check his social media. He was not expecting to find Harry in all his splendor and glory adorning his timeline. And God was he beautiful! Louis traced his face with his eyes, every line, every crinkle beside his eyes, his straight nose, pink lips stretched into a happy smile, dimples denting his cheeks. Harry was happy and very beautiful. Harry was living his best life and doing the things he had always wanted to do but had been held back and down. He had been told what he couldn’t be for so long that Louis had been surprised that once he had been free of all contracts that bound him to One Direction and Modest!, to see him grow and unfurl like a butterfly, emerging from his cocoon and spreading beautiful rainbow colored wings while taking flight. It was what Harry deserved and Louis was glad that he was doing what made him happy. He was made for happiness and he had it. Louis could see it in the way his smile reached his eyes, making them shine.

Once upon a time, this beautiful boy now man had belonged to Louis and Louis had loved him and fell for him as hard as one could fall for another human being. Since the moment they had met at the X Factor, Louis had known that Harry would be it for him. Yes, even at the tender age of eighteen, Louis knew that it would be Harry and nobody else. Just like he knew before they had even been put together in a band that Harry would be famous, that he would make it big which was why Louis had asked him to take a photo with him and give him his autograph.

Louis hadn’t been wrong about Harry’s success, fame and fortune but he had been wrong about everything else. He had fucked up the most beautiful human being on the planet who had given him nothing but love and kindness and laughter and happy days and he had fucked him up.

He reached out a finger tentatively and traced Harry’s face on his laptop screen with a shaking finger. How he longed to touch him again! How he longed to hear his voice again! Four years away from him was a long time. You would think that Louis would’ve moved on, settled down, started a family but he knew he couldn’t because he only wanted these things with Harry and if he couldn’t have Harry, then he wouldn’t allow himself to have those other things with another person. He wouldn't allow himself to love someone else or be loved by someone else. The pain of loss inside him was too raw, too fresh and too deep to move on from it.

He noticed a video amongst all the pictures being tweeted and retweeted by fans. He clicked on the video and when Harry’s voice came in through the speaker of his laptop, Louis nearly crumbled into a heap, the pain of hearing that voice echo in his kitchen, too real and too near bringing forth painful memories of beautiful nights lying in his arms tangled in sheets as he talked to Louis softly or sang to him. Louis played the video on repeat if only just to hear that voice and if he closed his eyes, maybe he could even imagine that Harry was with him, eyes sleepy, hair messy, voice deep and slow and Louis was beginning to despair. Why couldn’t Harry forgive him? Almost five years of silence. He preached so much about treating people with kindness couldn’t he find it in his heart to treat him with kindness and put him out of his misery? Louis didn’t stop the tears that fell from his eyes. He deserved them and he had a lot to cry for.

Sitting there in his kitchen as another dawn broke outside, he couldn't help but think back to when he fucked it all up.They had been mid OTRA tour in a country that Louis could not even remember when everything went to hell. Harry had been silent to him since then and Louis had begged him to please talk to him to let him explain but Harry had never given him even one second, just one second for Louis to talk and to try and explain. They had continued with the tour, pretending everything was alright, all the while Louis was dying slowly because Harry would not give him the time of day. And then the final blow had come when Harry had demanded the hiatus, an indefinite hiatus he had told management. Louis had remained silent, drowning in his thoughts of how could he live a life without Harry while Niall and Liam fought for a timeline, a date when One Direction would get back together again but Harry had remained resolute on the “indefinite” and Louis could hear the word “never” in his indefinite. That was the word that Harry was not saying. Never! Because Harry never wanted to be near him again! Not in the same room, not in the same building, not in the same continent. That’s how bad Louis had fucked things up. And Louis knew only too well how stubborn Harry was. When he made up his mind about something, that was it. There was no changing his mind. 

So he knew that no matter how much he wished and hoped and prayed, Harry would never talk to him or forgive him. But his psychiatrist had told Louis that he needed closure. Since he was so sure that Harry would never come back, Louis had to have closure. What his psychiatrist failed to understand was that Harry was never going to give him closure. Harry had made it a point that Louis had stopped existing for him. Expecting closure from Harry would be like saving grace and Louis was never going to have Harry’s blessing to move on. Maybe that was to be his punishment for breaking him the way he had.  
He scrolled down and stopped on a picture of Harry, a close up of him wearing a flower patterned top, his hair longer than it was a few weeks ago and he was smiling big, his teeth showing, dimples in full bloom, his eyes sparkling as he played with the rings on his fingers. The pain in Louis’ heart doubled him over because look at what he had lost! Look what his own stubbornness and recklessness had cost him! And to know that he could never have him was just too much for Louis to wrap his head around because his heart kept hoping and hoping that one day Harry would bridge the distance and forgive him. Louis wondered if Harry even remembered him. Probably not! He had probably wiped him right out of his memory. He saved that beautiful picture of Harry and set it as his screensaver and exited Twitter. He sat there and stared at him, tears falling freely from his eyes.  
Suddenly he was overcome with the deep need to talk to Harry. He just had to. He knew that he couldn’t call him. The first few weeks into the hiatus, Louis had called him relentlessly but Harry never picked up until one day Louis called and the mechanical voice on the line informed him that the number he was trying to reach was no longer in use. Louis had despaired and cried and in a fit of insanity had called Jeff but Jeff had not taken his call either. He had emailed Harry a dozen times, begging him for just one meeting but his emails were never delivered. He had called Harry’s mum and Gemma until they too changed their numbers. One crazy day, Louis had even driven down to Holmes Chapel and when Anne answered the door, he had begged and pleaded her to help him get through to Harry but Anne had told him politely to leave her son alone, that he had done enough damage to him and not to call at her house anymore. Louis had gotten back into the car and went back home. Harry had made himself unreachable to Louis and all Louis knew about him was all that the fans knew about him and whatever he saw posted on Twitter.

Louis wiped his eyes and against his better judgement decided to write Harry a lengthy letter and pour out everything to him. What’s the worst that could happen? Harry would just tear it up. He had nothing to lose. He had lost almost everything. Harry. His mum! His sister! The most important people in his life, he had lost them. Grief was all he had known the past four years so no he didn’t have much left to lose. Maybe the last remaining shreds of his dignity and sanity! But it was all worth it if only Harry would read it.

He pushed the chair back and went into his study, opened the desk drawer and pulled out a notebook and pen then went back into the kitchen, stared at the picture of Harry on his laptop and pretended that he was sitting across from him and he was going to tell him everything. He put the pen to the paper.

Dear Harry,  
If you opened the envelope and you are reading this line, please don’t rip up this letter. I beg you please give me a chance and read it. Please Harry, just read it. I have tried many times to contact you because I really need to talk to you if only to get closure. You haven’t given me that and I really need it. I know I don’t deserve it but I’m hoping you will find it in your heart to give me closure. I know it is useless for me to ask for forgiveness because that is something I know you will not give me but it’s been too long Harry and it’s been hard living inside my head with what I have done.

I honestly have never seen someone switch off their feelings for someone as fast as you switched your feelings off for me! How? I know I have wronged you and hurt you and betrayed you in the worst way possible but we had been together for five years Harry! Five long beautiful years until I was weak and I made a mistake that you could not forgive. Why Harry? I will not apologize for my son. I will apologize for being a weak asshole and stubborn and leaving you at the hotel that night while I went out drinking to drown you out of my system and I made the mistake of cheating on you with her. That is my mistake not my son. He’s innocent like you. Neither of you deserve what you got from me. He has no fault in this Harry he’s just a little kid. He never asked to be born into this situation and he certainly didn’t ask to have me as a father. It hurts to go on Twitter and see people saying that he’s not a real baby or that I’m not his father. He is a real boy and I am his father and I ache to think about what he will feel when he’s old enough to understand why I had to hide him away and why I couldn’t be in his life as much as I wish to.  
I know I broke you that evening when I told you that Brianna was pregnant. Believe me it broke me too. You had every right to leave me and trust me Harry, I am paying a dear price for what I have done to you. I apologize for storming out that night after the big fight we had and finding comfort in a woman I barely knew instead of staying and sorting it out with you like an adult. If I had, none of this would have happened. I’m sorry I cheated on you Harry. You didn’t deserve that. We were in a long term relationship and I cheated. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry please believe me. There are so many things I’m sorry for mostly for ruining everything between us and for being a shit father to my son. I ended up a failure like my father. I am doing to him what my father did to me but it’s not all my fault Harry. I’m trying to be a good dad. I'm trying to be present I swear but it’s not all on me.

After Brianna told me she was pregnant and you left me, she told me that she wanted to get an abortion and that I had to pay for it. It would have been the easiest solution. She didn’t want the kid, I didn’t want it either and with it gone, maybe you would’ve taken me back but Harry, and I ask you to forgive me again, that moment I did not think about you or our relationship. I couldn’t sacrifice an innocent baby to get you back and get rid of the problem. I wouldn’t have lived with the guilt of it so I begged Brianna not to. She screamed at me saying I’m selfish and that because I wasn’t careful I had ruined her life. And maybe it’s true. Maybe I am selfish but that baby was innocent. I talked to my mum about it and she was adamant about it that we couldn’t just abort the baby simply because we weren’t ready to have it. She even offered that if Brianna didn’t want it that she’s raise it herself with my other siblings. I miss my mum Harry. I miss her so much. She sided with you you know when I told her what happened. She told me that you had every right to leave me because I had cheated on my partner. 

Anyway, once Brianna decided to keep the baby, she made my life hell. She asked for money, money and more money. She had lawyers that were fighting for her but I didn’t fight them. I gave her all she wanted in return all she had to do was take care of the baby and birth it safely. She agreed as long as I gave her all that she asked for and she asked for a lot. She kept her promise and allowed me to be present for the birth. I have never seen anything quite like it and I cried when I held my son for the first time in my arms as he cried too. I cried from happiness and from grief. I missed you Harry. I missed you then too. I cried because I had this crazy idea that maybe you would come back and forgive me for what I had done and that you would accept me and accept Freddie as yours, as ours and that we’d raise him together and be his dads. I hoped for it so much. I mean you love kids. We had plans to have our own one day so surely you would’ve loved my son but you never even came to see him once. Liam and Niall both came to see him and I hoped you would too but you never came. Why couldn't you love my son Harry?

Brianna hangs Freddie over me all the time. She threatens she won’t let me see him or be in his life unless I give her what she asks for, so I try to give her all that she wants in return for time with my son who is now three and a half years old. I don’t fight her anymore because I’m soul deep tired. Whatever she wants she gets from me as long as she lets me have time with Freddie. That’s his name Harry; Freddie Reign Tomlinson.

Then my mum got sick and God I wanted you more than ever. I couldn't handle it on my own. I died inside when they told us that there was nothing more that they could do for her and that her time was limited. I couldn’t lose her too Harry. She was my everything! You of all people know how close I was with my mother. I tried to be strong for my sisters but every time I accompanied her for her chemo and see her deteriorate right before my eyes, I just needed you to be there for me so much. But she was strong. Up until the end she was my strength even when she had no strength left. Even when she lost all her beautiful hair she tried to make a joke of it in front of my sisters but I caught her crying so many times. I wanted it to be me instead of her but still she would tell me to not give up on you and I tried. I tried to not give up and tried to find ways to get you to talk to me. And this is me not giving up. She made me promise her on her death bed that I would take it day by day and be strong and to never abandon Freddie. Or you. She loved you Harry. Till her very end she loved you and I would have given anything for you to have come and visited her one last time. She told me to tell you that she loved you and didn’t blame you for leaving me because I had hurt you bad and you did not deserve it. I want to thank you for coming to my X Factor performance. I was shocked to see you there and it’s alright that you didn’t talk to me even though God knows I wanted to fall into your arms and let go all the sorrow I had inside me and maybe rest in your embrace for just a little while. But I’m glad that you were there for my sisters so thank you so much and when I saw you hug them, I wish it was me. I wish it was me you were hugging. When you walked out, you took the remainder of me with you, leaving me emptier than before because now I had lost my mother too.

As you can see, I never let go of you. It might sound pathetic that after all these years I’m still hung up on you like this. I can’t get over you Harry. I love you still. I never stopped loving you and I followed your career on Twitter like all your fans. These past four years I have watched you grow from the self conscious sixteen year old boy I fell in love with, who wasn’t allowed to paint his nails or be feminine to the man who wears flowery suits, paints his nails, waves Pride flags and became Gucci’s muse. I watched you break out of your shell and free yourself. I am so proud of you Harry for becoming what you were always meant to be.

I am so proud for all that you have achieved. Your fans love you and you deserve all that you have. I love your album and I listened to it so many times. I don’t want to be presumptous and entertain the idea that some of your songs are about us, about me but are they? Sweet Creature? Two Ghosts? From The Dining Table? Because they feel very personal. I was so happy to see that you finally met Stevie Nicks and that your dream of performing with her came true for you. I was so proud to see you up there with her, a legend and a legend in the making. That first time you sang with her at the Troubadour and you cried, God I wished I was there to hold you and kiss your face and tell you that you did it, that your dream had come true. I envy you at how you were never afraid to make yourself vulnerable in front of people. No wonder you are so loved. You are unapologetically yourself and you inspire people to be the same. 

And you were in a movie too! I rooted for you so bad and obviously went to see it at the cinema. I went on my own. I am not brave like you. I can’t cry in front of others but I cried with pride when I saw you act so well. I never had a doubt in my mind that you were born to achieve so much.

Now you are Gucci’s muse! I woke up this morning to find my Twitter full of you. After the Met Gala, it was the perfume. You have achieved it all. I’m so happy that Alessandro Michele saw it in you, that you had that potential I always told you that you had but you never believed me. You believe me now? Sometimes I can’t believe you’re the same Harry. You’re so different. I feel like I don’t know you anymore. I look at you and I see you but I don’t know you and that hurts. Just remember Harry, that you were mine before you belonged to the world or to Gucci or to the movie screens. You were mine first and I loved you first before the whole world fell in love with you. And you loved ME! You loved just me and I ruined it. I am paying dearly for all the wrongs I have done believe me.

Guess I said all I needed to say. I know the things I did caused you pain and that I can never ever make you feel for me again but without you, I just can’t stop this pain inside me. I never wanted us to end up like this. I know you are stubborn but please Harry can you find it in your heart to forgive me? I know we can never go back and fix things and even if we could, this will always loom over us. I know we can never be together again but please Harry, I beg you, please forgive me. Let me know you got my letter and that you forgive me. My number is still the same. A text will do. A note. An email. A voice message. I'll take anything. I’m not asking you to meet me in person. I know you can’t stand to be in my presence but please just forgive me. Set me free. I can’t live with this guilt anymore. I’m twenty seven and I feel like I’m eighty. Guess that’s all then. I will wait with hope in my heart that I will hear something from you. I love you Harry. Stay safe.

Always in my heart,  
Yours Sincerely,  
Louis xx  
PS : I’m at my L.A house for the time being.

Louis stared at the pages he had written. The kitchen was now brighter and when he looked over at the window he could see that it was morning. Harry was still smiling at him from his laptop screen. He rubbed his eyes and got up to make himself another cup of tea. When it was done, he sat back at the table and re-read the letter while sipping at his tea.When he was finished, he took in a deep breath and exhaled heavily. There was no chance that Harry would reply to this! Harry would probably tear it up as soon as he saw his untidy scrawl on the envelope. Harry had always reprimanded him on his untidy scrawl and got upset with Louis whenever he wrote lyrics complaining that he couldn't make anything out but Louis could never bring himself to care. It was what it was! And secretly he had loved it when Harry used to reprimanded him, trying to keep his face serious but failing miserably, smiling at Louis while Louis tackled him to the mattress and kissed his face until Harry couldn’t breathe.

Louis sighed. Those were the days when everything was good and simple and innocent. Back then the only thing they had to deal with was their management who did everything in their power to keep them closeted but they hadn’t minded that much. They were in love and together and travelling the world performing with their three friends. And then he had to go and fuck it all up! He quickly got up and went into his study again, pulled out an envelope and stamp and returned to the kitchen. Without thinking any further about it, he folded the letter, scrawled Harry’s L.A address because he knew that Harry lived more in his L.A house rather than in London, closed the envelope, stuck the stamp on it and without second thoughts, he grabbed his car keys and left the house to post the letter before he could change his mind.

*

Harry had just returned home only a few days ago from Italy and he was tired. He had had a lot of fun doing the Gucci shoot and he already missed the new friends that he had made. His luggage was still in his living room, waiting to be taken upstairs and unpacked. He sat in his kitchen preparing breakfast for himself and Harris who had slept over since they had returned from Italy. Over the course of the Gucci shoot and perfume commercial, he and Harris had become close. Harry had known Harris from the previous year when Alessandro had introduced them and Harry had accepted to wear Harris Reed for his shows thus propelling Harris’ career. They had become friends instantly. Harry loved how Harris wasn’t afraid to be himself and show off his femininity.

‘Good morning,’ Harris said as he walked over to Harry and wrapped his arms around his waist from behind and placed a kiss between his shoulder blades. Harry stiffened. Another thing about Harris; he wasn’t shy to go directly for what he wanted and he had gone after Harry since day one. Harry had politely declined his advances, drawing a line that was strictly friendship, a line that Harris crossed again and again. Harry shifted in his arms until he had dislodged Harris’ hold on him. He turned to look at him with his russet locks loose and hanging messily down his back and over his shoulders, his pale blue eyes looking at Harry as if he was the Universe. Harris batted his eyelashes at him and smiled. He was so pale, Harry always noticed. Pale and beautiful.

‘Good morning Harris,’ Harry said, a smile on his face. ‘Sleep well?’ Harris sashayed away from Harry, wearing a flowing pink flowered kimono over nothing but the briefest of lace panties and bare footed, not shy about showing off his body. He sat on a stool, perching on it like a beautiful exotic bird. He smiled.  
‘Hmm yes though I would’ve slept better if I slept in your bed,’ Harris said giving Harry a seductive look. Harris was never shy. Harry smiled.

‘Harris, we’ve talked about this already. We’re friends....’

‘Who can turn into the best lovers if only you would let it happen,’ Harris pointed out.

‘I’m not looking for a relationship,’ Harry told him quietly and he really didn’t like to discuss this with him or anyone else for that matter. Harris twirled a lock of his hair around his fingers looking very seductive but not Harry's type. Harry liked his type more manly with thick thighs, an ass to die for and with facial hair.

‘Well we can be fuck buddies,’ he said with a smile. Harry chuckled.

‘You know I don’t do that,’ Harry said as he poured tea for himself and Harris. Harris pouted.

‘You don’t do relationships. You don’t do fuck buddies. Who hurt you so bad and fucked you up?’ Harris asked. Harry stilled and for a moment he couldn’t breathe.  
‘Nobody,’ he whispered. Harris scoffed, not mindful of Harry’s tense back muscles and his shaking hands.

‘Somebody must have done a number on you. I mean I’ve known you for almost two years and never once have I seen you go on a date or sleep with someone. You just hang out with Jeff and Glenne and Cindy and Randy and their daughter. You hang around older married couples. Why?’Harris asked not realizing the pain he was putting Harry through. Harry took in a deep breath, trying to get it through his lungs that were constricting hard in his chest.

‘They are my friends,’ he said quietly. Harris sighed dramatically.

‘Honey, you are young, you are beautiful why waste your time hanging around older married people and their kids when you could have anyone you want? Many are dying to get in your pants.’ Harry bit his lower lip. He knew why he hung out with his older married friends and their kids because it gave him the safety and security that he needed and they were living his dream. Once upon a time, he too was making plans to be married and have kids. And he really didn’t want anyone. There was no one he wanted except....He stopped himself not wanting to go there. He couldn’t go there! He picked up both mugs with shaking hands and turned around to face Harris hoping that he had schooled his face into his happy friendly face that he let the world see.

‘I was brought up in a close knit family Harris. I love that my friends are like that. Makes me miss home a little less, especially my mum.’ Harry handed him the mug and Harris wrapped both his hands around the mug and took a tentative sip. Harry sat down next to him with his own tea. Harris placed his hand on Harry’s bare thigh, his manicured fingers caressing his soft skin. Harry closed his eyes because he missed being touched. He missed intimacy. He missed being spooned to sleep. Almost five years were a long time for a person to be alone even though he was surrounded by people but they didn’t understand the void inside him. They didn’t understand that he was an island in a swarm of people that wanted something from him that he couldn’t give. They didn’t see the loneliness that had settled in his soul which he hid behind his beautiful smile. They didn’t see his wounded heart, taped together the best way he could to keep it functioning. It beat yes but it wasn’t alive. His heart had been killed. It had been destroyed in the worst way possible.

‘Harry,’ Harris said softly, bringing Harry out of his dark thoughts. ‘Let me make it better for you. Let me help you.’ Harry gave him a small smile.

‘There’s nothing for you to help me with Harris. I’m perfectly fine just jet legged and tired that’s all. Help yourself to breakfast I’m just going to get my mail okay.’ Harry gave him a smile and stood up, hoping that his legs would hold him up because he was shaking internally. He could feel Harris’ eyes scrutinizing him and that was why Harry kept from making new friends that became close friends. His friends knew his story. They were sympathetic to his pain and they knew that Harry was not ready or able to move on. New friends that got close, caught glimpses of Harry’s shrouded persona and wanted to delve in and save him and help him, offering sex and companionship which he did not want or need.

He left the kitchen and walked to his front door glad to be alone. He hoped that Harris wouldn’t overstay his welcome. He had been surrounded by heaps of people in the last few days and he had enjoyed it but now he needed his alone time. He needed to unwind and vent his bottled up emotions. It always made him feel worse when he kept them bottled up for long periods of time. They physically hurt. It was okay when he was with Jeff and Randy and their families. He didn’t need to pretend with them. He could just be. 

He opened the letter box and pulled out a stack of mail. He rifled through them most of it junk mail and bills until his fingers held a letter and his heart stopped. He knew that messy handwriting! Then his heart lurched forward and beat relentlessly against his sternum threatening to beat right out of his chest and crash to the floor. His hands trembled furiously so much that he dropped the letter. He looked at it, lying on his welcome home mat and he didn’t know what to feel or how to feel. All he knew was that it was a letter from him!

‘Harry your breakfast is getting cold!’ Harris called from the kitchen. Harry jumped at the sound of Harris’ cheerful voice because he had forgotten that he wasn’t alone in his house. 

‘Be right there,’ Harry answered, aware of how thick his voice sounded. He swallowed trying to push past the damn lump in his throat. Suddenly he felt angry. He shouldn’t still have this effect on him. He shouldn’t still feel like this! And he had no right to write him a letter! Harry knew that it was another form of apology and he didn’t want it or need it. He picked up the letter off the mat, snatching it up angrily and stuck it between his junk mail. Maybe he should let Harris make him feel better. It was about high time that he put an end to his feelings and thoughts. He strode into the kitchen where Harris was still perched provocatively on the stool, kimono open, body on display for Harry but Harry’s soul only had to whisper a brief sigh of a name for him to know that this was wrong and it wasn't what he wanted or needed. It was the baddest of bad ideas. His heart agreed. He stuffed the mail into a drawer and sat down to eat breakfast.

Harry remained restless throughout the rest of the day, that letter stuffed in the junk drawer calling to him in an inexplicable manner. He wanted to read it yet he didn’t want to. His pain had been scabbed over. He had changed his phone number and email address precisely to cut all connection with him. He wished he had changed house too but he loved this house. If he read that letter, the scab would be torn off and he would bleed again and he couldn’t and didn’t want to bleed again. He had bled enough over the years that he wondered if whatever was in that letter could even make him bleed again. The answer was yes. It could and it most definitely would.

Harris entered the living room where Harry was sprawled out on the couch mindlessly flipping through the channels of his telly. Harris was fully dressed and he looked magnificent as always. When he saw Harry looking like misery, he knew he wasn’t going to be its company. He sat down next to him.  
‘You’ve been in here for most of the day. How about you get dressed and we go out. You’re Gucci’s Muse honey, live up to your name.’ Harry kept staring at the telly with blank eyes.

‘My name is Harry Harris not Gucci’s Muse,’ he said dully. He was more than Gucci! Harris rolled his eyes theatrically.

‘You’re so modest Harry. People want you....’

‘But I don’t want people!’ Harry snapped a little harshly. Harris pulled back a little. He had never heard Harry snap like that. ‘Sorry,’ Harry mumbled when he saw the shocked look on his face. Harris stood up.

‘Okay then. I packed my bag so I’m going home and then I’m going out. If you change your mind text me alright.’ Harry nodded not even looking up at Harris who walked out of the room leaving a cloud of Gucci Memoire in his wake. When he heard the front door close, Harry let out a breath and he sagged against the cushions. He was already feeling sorry for himself now that he was not surrounded by people. He turned off the telly, got up and padded into the kitchen, his bare feet slapping softly on the tiled floor. He stopped in front of the junk drawer and looked at it, mentally trying to decide what to do. He opened the drawer and rifled through the junk mail till his fingers closed on the letter. He pulled it out and looked at it. What was inside would definitely break him. He lifted the letter to his nose and inhaled and it held a faint trace of his cologne and cigarette smoke. So he still smoked! The scents nearly brought him to his knees. He gripped the counter and held on. If he didn’t read the letter he could continue to wallow in his pain and thoughts. If he opened it, the pain would be fresh and raw and what was another dose of pain in the grand scheme of years of pain and isolation? He took the letter to the living room, sat down, put his finger under the flap and ripped the envelope. Almost five years later, he was allowing himself to hear what Louis had to say. His eyes scanned the page.

Dear Harry,  
If you opened the envelope and you are reading this line, please don’t rip up this letter. I beg you please give me a chance and read it. Please Harry, just read it.  
Harry took in a deep shuddering breath and continued to read.

*

It had been three weeks since Louis had sent the letter to Harry and he had given up hoping and waiting for a reply. He had stopped checking his phone, his email, his letter box. Harry was never going to accept his apology and forgive him and he had to resign himself to it. It was with a heavy heart that he had lost all hope of ever reconciling with Harry and getting some sort of closure.

‘Daddy,’ Freddie called from the living room. Louis put his misery away and walked into the living room to see what his son wanted. He was extremely happy that Brianna had let him keep Freddie for the weekend. All it had cost him was a few flight tickets to Cancun Mexico for Brianna and her friends. She had come knocking on his door complaining that she needed a vacation, that the kid was sucking the life out of her and she wanted, needed to get away for a few days but she couldn’t leave as her parents and Austin where on holiday in the Maldives. Louis had brightened up and told her that he could keep Freddie for the weekend. She had agreed as long as he paid for flight tickets and full board at a resort for her and her friends. Louis had agreed right away. A few thousand dollars didn’t compare to a weekend with his son!

‘Hey bud what’s up?’ Louis asked the little blonde boy who was sitting on his couch watching cartoons. Freddie patted the seat next to him indicating for Louis to sit down and Louis obliged, plopping down next to his son.

‘Can we watch The Lion King please?’ Freddie asked him with pleading blue eyes so much like his own.

‘Sure buddy anything you want. This weekend is just for you and me and we can do whatever you like yeah. Just name it.’ Freddie giggled and looked at Louis with sparkling eyes.

‘Can I have ice cream?’ he asked, smiling, his dimples denting his cheeks and sending a stab of pain in Louis’ chest, reminding him of another set of dimples that had him at their mercy unable to say no. He poked Freddie’s dimple just like he had poked Harry’s back in the day.

‘Sure thing. What flavour?’ Louis asked him and the boy jumped in excitement.

‘Vanilla and chocolate?’ he asked. Louis winked at him.

‘You my man are in luck because I happen to have both. I’ll go get us two bowls and then we can watch the move ‘kay?’ Freddie nodded.

‘Thank you daddy,’ he said happily. Louis felt his heart grow. He leaned down and placed a kiss on his head then ruffled the little boy’s hair making him laugh. Louis got up and went into the kitchen to get ice cream for himself and his son, feeling a sense of peace settle inside him. As he placed two bowls on the counter, the door bell rang.

‘Bugger,’ Louis muttered as he made his way to the door. He pulled it open and froze, his mouth hanging open and his limbs suddenly too numb to move. He was staring at Harry who was standing on his doorstep along with his bodyguard. Louis remained immobile, his eyes boring into Harry’s after such a long time since he had looked into those warm green eyes. Harry did not smile. He remained staring back at Louis. Louis swallowed and cleared his throat.  
‘Hi,’ he said softly.

‘Can I come in?’ Harry asked and his voice almost made Louis cry out because God he had missed his voice. Louis stumbled back and pulled his door open wider.  
‘Ugh yeah sure course,’ he said sounding ridiculous to his own ears. Harry turned to look at his bodyguard.

‘You can go,’ he told him softly. ‘I will call you when I’m done here.’ The bodyguard nodded and left then Harry took a step inside Louis’ home. His first time entering this house. Louis closed the door behind him and they both stood awkwardly in the spacious hallway. The silence was stretching uncomfortably between them until Freddie came running up to them.

‘Daddy where’s my ice cream?’ he said tugging on Louis’ hand. Louis froze for the second time. He literally felt his blood turn to ice. He watched Harry’s face as he looked at his son for the first time. His jaw was clenched tight. His fingers curled into fists by his side. He was rigid and taught and Louis felt as if he was going to pass out. He had never envisioned this! Freddie was the reason they were no longer together but Louis would not blame his son. It had happened. He was here and alive and as much as he loved Harry, he would not let Freddie get any of the blame. He was innocent. 

‘Be right there bud,’ Louis told him. Freddie swiveled his head and looked up at Harry and smiled at him.

‘Hello,’ he said in his chirpy voice. Freddie was a talker. He was friendly and a talker. ‘I am Freddie,’ he said. Louis held his breath and waited to see what Harry was going to do. Would he talk to his son or simply ignore the little boy? Harry remained rigid. Freddie smiled at him again. ‘Who are you?’ he asked. Louis crouched down next to his son not wanting him to experience the silence Harry was giving him. He was just a kid. He didn’t know.

‘Hey,’ Louis told him, getting his attention. ‘Why don’t you go into the living room while daddy takes care of this yeah then we can watch the Lion king?’ Freddie tore his eyes away from Harry and looked at Louis.

‘Okay daddy,’ he said happily and as he turned to run away, Harry spoke.

‘Hello Freddie,’ he said, his tone low and emotionless. Freddie turned his smile back on Harry. ‘I am Harry.’

‘Hello Harry. You want to watch the Lion King and have ice cream with us? Dad has vanilla and chocolate.’ Freddie asked him innocently. Louis had to butt in. He won't let his son be hurt by this.

‘I’m sure Harry is busy bud,’ he said. He didn’t have to look at Harry to know that he had turned his eyes on him.

‘In fact I’m not busy,’ he said, voice still emotionless. ‘Thank you for inviting me Freddie but I’d like to talk to your father first.’ Freddie shrugged.

‘Okay,’ he said and ran back into the living room. Louis chanced a look at Harry and found him looking at him. His body threatened to collapse.

‘What do you want?’ Louis asked him softly because he was curious as to what Harry wanted after almost five years of silence.

‘I came to answer your letter,’ he said flatly. Louis nodded, his heart beating so fast he was afraid he could hear it. He turned and walked into the kitchen, Harry following close behind. ‘Can I get you tea?’ Louis asked him, his voice low and uncertain. Harry nodded, pulled out a chair at the dining table and sat down. He looked down at his hands on the table top, his fingers laced through together. His hands were shaking. He tried to remember all the words that he had made up in his head to tell Louis. When Louis placed a mug of hot tea in front of him, Harry jumped a little.

‘Sorry,’ Louis said quietly. He pulled out the chair opposite Harry and sat down. He looked at him sitting in his chair, not believing that Harry was actually here, in his kitchen. He felt very anxious at the thought of what Harry might have to say to him. Either way it went, and he wasn’t hoping for anything good to come out of this, it was the closure he had asked for. Harry was here to give it to him and that would have to suffice. He waited with bated breath.

Harry took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Louis saw his chest rise, hold and fall and he imitated his breathing. After a few seconds of unbearable silence, Harry broke it. 'As you can see I did not rip up the letter as you requested even though I should've the moment I received it but I went against my better judgement and read it. If it's closure you want, I'm here to give it to you.' Louis swallowed, his throat hurting because he had a feeling that this was going to go bad but he would deal with it after Harry leaves. Right now he was just happy that Harry was here and they were going to talk or Harry was going to talk and he was going to listen.  
'Thank you,' Louis said hoarsely when what he really wanted to do was get down on his knees and beg Harry forgiveness while kissing his Gucci shoes. Harry took a sip of tea then looked up at Louis and Louis trembled inside when he felt those eyes on him. He couldn't read his expression.

'Louis, let's get one thing clear, you didn't just wrong me or betray me. You broke me in a very horrible way,' Harry said, his voice low and soft and lazy and Louis knew that he had chosen his words perfectly and was watching himself as to how he articulated each word to make sure he was understood. 'It was worse because you screwed with my head. I couldn't understand why you cheated on me or why and get a girl pregnant. Do you know what it felt like for me when you told me that she was pregnant?' Harry stopped and Louis didn't know if he was meant to answer him or not so he just shook his head because yeah he had seen the tears Harry had cried that day and he had heard him scream at him words that were still seared in Louis' brain but he didn't know how it had felt for him because there had never been the chance to hear him say. And now he had that chance so he remained silent and just shook his head. Harry licked his lips and continued :

'No you wouldn't have an idea how it felt for me to be told by the man I loved and whom I thought loved me enough to stay monogamous in our relationship tell you that he was going to have a baby with someone else. Someone that wasn't me. You were going to have a baby that we had been planning together for our future. You went and had it with someone else. I know I could never get pregnant since my biology doesn't allow me to but we had been planning! We were going to have our baby but you went ahead and had it with someone else.'

'It's not like I planned it,' Louis said softly in his defense. He had never ever planned on getting Briana pregnant. Harry had to know that! It's not like he had done it to spite him! Harry scoffed.

'No you didn't but it happened and I never blamed your son for your recklessness. I never once thought of him as a mistake as you told me that night when you broke the news to me. Never once have I thought of him as a mistake and trust me Louis, I did think of him. With pain and bitterness and jealousy I wondered if he looked like you. I wondered what type of father you were going to be to him because I've seen you with your siblings and I knew that when we had our baby you would've been an amazing father and yes I was bitter and angry. So so angry that you had that with someone else and not me! I broke further when I saw the first picture of you holding him on Twitter. He was so tiny, so fragile, so small and all I could think about was that that should've been our baby you were holding with me beside you. I smashed my laptop to bits because I couldn't handle it. You had something I desperately wanted from you. Someone else gave you something I wanted to give you and I was just angry and it hurt. And through it all I never once expected you to apologize for your son. How could I? You created a beautiful human being Louis how could you even think that I would want you to apologize for him being conceived and coming into this world? Like you said, your son never asked to be born and I never asked to be broken but here we are.'

Silence engulfed the kitchen again because Harry was opening up, talking about his pain and his anger that had been caused by him. He looked at Harry sitting across from him. He didn't look like Harry in the Gucci perfume campaign, or the Harry on stage. Sitting there in a black hoodie that was his own merch with his name written on it, he looked small and tired and Louis wanted to hold him so tightly and fix him. Fix all the broken pieces he had shattered and make him whole again.  
'I have questions too,' Harry said, snapping Louis out of his thoughts. Louis nodded because he couldn't possibly speak through the lump in his throat that was choking him. 'Why did you even cheat on me? With a woman nonetheless? You are gay so why? What were you trying to prove? What did she have that interested you in bedding her when you were never interested in women in the first place? You could hardly bear to hold Eleanor's hand when you stunted so how did you even sleep with her? How did you even get it up? Did you think of me while you seduced her? While I was back at the hotel anxiously waiting for you and feeling miserable over the fight we had? Did you think of me while you fucked her and came inside her? And why didn't you use a condom? Where you that desperate to fuck her? Did you think about the fact that we were in a long term relationship for five long years which you threw away for five minutes of pleasure? Pleasure that I had been giving you since I was sixteen? And how could you come to me after you fucked her and pretend like nothing had happened and kept it a secret while I cried and apologized to you for fighting with you even though the fight was not my fault? How could you fuck me into the mattress while she was still on you? You didn't even shower. You fucked me with her still on you!' Harry paused and was looking at Louis with wide teary eyes and what could Louis answer to all of his questions? There were no answers good enough or suitable enough that would ease his pain. He wanted to say a thousand I'm sorries to him, a million even but they would never heal Harry. Harry took in a deep shuddering breath and exhaled.

'That was the worst form of pain I was subjected to after you told me she was pregnant and we broke up. My mind took on a life of its own and it became my own worst enemy. All I could think about was : how could he? Why did he? Was I not good enough? And all the while the one thought that drummed relentlessly in my head was that you were having your first child with someone else not with me. But I am glad you didn't go along with the abortion. It wouldn't have been right to kill an innocent life to get me back. In fact I think it would've made things worse had you given your consent to the abortion. How would I have lived with my conscience knowing you had your baby aborted because of me? Just to get me back? No, I wouldn't have lived with myself if you had done that. I'm glad you let him be born and given him life.' Harry stopped to take another sip of tea and Louis could hardly stand his pain. If he had thought that his pain was monumental, Harry's was colossal. He waited patiently not wanting to hurry Harry up with his thoughts and emotional melt down.

'After Freddie was born, Liam and Niall came to see me to see how I was doing and they urged me to come and see you and Freddie but I wouldn't hear of it. I wanted them to go, to leave me alone and not pity me because they did. I saw the pity in their eyes even while we were still on tour after you broke the news to me. They saw me struggle to be there, to be in your proximity when I didn't want to be. They saw me break and I guess it wasn't easy for them to see me like that and carry on as if we were all close and as if everything was good between us. They were relieved when I suggested the hiatus because they couldn't stand my pain. So no, I didn't want to come and see you and your new born son. I was so broken and angry and bitter that I let my pride lead me. It was all I had left and if I pretended hard enough that you didn't exist anymore, I could carry on living. But I was conflicted. I did want to come and see you and your baby and if I had, the moment I'd laid eyes on that tiny baby, I would've forgiven you because in my darkest times, when I was lost inside my consumed mind, I thought about it too you know, raising your son with you, being both his parents. I thought about it so much and it damaged me even more to know that I wanted it. I kept reminding myself that it was not our baby. We hadn't planned it. I hadn't been there for the pregnancy. I never chose his name with you or built a nursery for him with you. No, I was the broken one who got cheated on and deprived of having a child with the man I loved. So no I didn't come and see you because I wanted to cut all ties with you. I didn't want to hear anything about you or your new born son. I figured that the less I knew about you and the fact that you were now a father without me the easier it would be for me to move away from it so I threw myself into my work. I began writing. I went to Jamaica for a while. I saw other people but nothing came of those encounters. Just needed distractions for a while. The new album kept me busy, promoting and touring, took my mind off my grief for a while. Then I met Harris who was a breath of fresh air and helped me a lot.' Harry paused again to drink some more of his now cold tea. Harris? Louis furrowed his brow and his heart sank. Was Harry in a relationship with this Harris guy? How had he even dared to think that Harry was still single and had come here to make things up? How had he even hoped that Harry would want to try again with him? Harry had only been kind enough to come here, tell his piece and give him closure then go back to Harris. Harry cleared his throat and Louis could tell that he was emotional.

'I was so sorry to hear about your mum. I cried so much when my mum told me that Jay had limited time. They spoke on the phone quite a bit when Jay was strong enough to speak on the phone. They remained close. My mum kept me updated on her. She called me whenever she talked to Jay. I went to see her,' Harry said quietly. 'Shortly before she passed.'

'What?' Louis said hoarsely. His throat felt dry from misuse and he had forgotten all about his tea which was now cold. Still he took a healthy gulp. 'You...you went to see my mum?' His voice sounded pitiful but he didn't care. This was Harry and for all intents and purposes, Harry was the only other living person who knew him as well as his mother had. Harry nodded.

'My mum called and told me that she had been trying to call Jay but she hadn't been answering so she called Dan and he told her that the doctors had told them that she was close and that they had put her on morphine to keep her comfortable so she was mostly sleeping. When I heard that I told my mum that I wanted to see her. I couldn't out of my respect and love for Jay not see her one more time. So mum arranged it with Dan to let us know when you weren't going to be there so I could visit Jay. We got the call a few days later and I was lucky enough to find her awake and lucid. She cried when she saw me and told me how happy she was that I had gone to see her. She hugged me as tightly as her feeble health allowed her to and I cried with her. I cried for her because I was going to lose my second mum, I cried for you, for me, for us. I let it all out in her arms and she soothed me and rubbed my back. Even in her last moments she comforted me.' Harry stopped again and wiped his eyes from the tears that had fallen. Louis was silently crying as he watched him, the shock at knowing that Harry had been with his mother shortly before she had passed away hitting him right in the core of his chest. He had seen her and she had seen him. He was glad and happy that Harry had went to see her and at least the established that they still loved and cared for each other despite what had happened.

'She told me that she loved me still,' Harry continued, his voice low and soft. 'She said that she didn't fault me for walking away from you after what you had done. She told me that if someone had betrayed her son that way she would've been hurt and she was hurt that we broke up. But she also told me that your heart still loves me and that you didn't do it on purpose to hurt me. She told me that Freddie was the best thing in her life after her kids and that Freddie was meant to enter our lives even if it wasn't in the way we wanted it. She told me that Freddie was innocent and that she loved her grand baby so much and how glad she was that her first born had given her the gift of a grandson before she died. She told me she wished she had more time to see him grow, to see her kids grow and to see you fixing this between us. Her eyes lit up when she spoke of Freddie and she showed me pictures of him on her phone that you sent her and my heart broke further into pieces but I couldn't tell her no. I couldn't do that to her. Before I left, she told me that she understood why I couldn't get back together with you and that it was okay that we went our separate ways. She told me she felt bad that she had to leave and leave her son when he needed her the most. She hated leaving knowing you were in pain. She told me not to hate you too much because you were suffering a lot too. Then she grew tired and fell asleep. A few days later Dan called my mum to tell her that Jay had passed away.' Louis was sobbing quietly on his stool. Harry plucked out a few paper napkins from the dispenser on the table and passed them to Louis. He took them and dabbed at his eyes.

'She loved you till the last moment and she was worried about you. Anyway, the next day I got a call from Liam asking me to join them to support you while you performed your song for your mum. I tried to make excuses not to come because I really didn't want to see you. I didn't want anymore pain. You portrayed all that was painful to me and I really didn't want to come but I couldn't be selfish. It wasn't about me. It was about your mother so in Jay's honor and loving memory, I attended. I just wanted to be present and leave. I didn't want to hug you or touch you or talk to you. I saw how devastated you were but again I let my pride lead me. You were too much of a painful reminder. So after greeting your sisters, I left. Liam caught up with me outside before I got into my car and he held me as I cried in his arms, for you and for me and for your mother.' Louis remained immobile staring at Harry as he unraveled before him. Harry licked his lips and continued :

'You weren't presemptous in thinking that some of my songs are about you. How could they not be? You gave me the greatest love of my life and the greatest heartbreak of my life. If that isn't inspiration enough to write songs, then I don't know what is. It worked for Adele so I figured I'd try pouring my heart out into my songs as well. I knew you'd understand them. And just because I made a movie and a solo album and toured and am now working with Gucci doesn't mean I have changed the core of who I am. Yes I broke free in more ways then one. I try to show the world who I really and truly am but sometimes I am still that young boy who cried because people sent me hate. I might be confident and sure of myself but trust me, some of my insecurities are still there. When I go on social media and see the negative things they say about me, it hurts. But I have learned that not everyone likes me or like what I do and I know people, fans, they have expectations of me and when I don't reach them, they get ugly. I mean they are entitled to their opinions of course but they don't know what I have been dealing with. It's hard to smile when your heart is broken all the time but I have learned to smile through it. They see me smile and travel and pose for pictures and clown around on stage but they don't know how I'm crying on the inside all the time because all I have, all I have done and all I have achieved feel empty to me because you weren't there along the way with me. The biggest, most important part of my life was missing. And the funny thing is that I still feel like I belong to you. You didn't sound pathetic at all in your letter when you said that you're still hung up on me and that you still love me and that you can't get over me. I'm still in love with you and as hard as I have tried to move on and forget you, I just couldn't. You don't get over the person who loved you first. At sixteen I gave you my heart and at twenty five you still have it and that's what's been killing me. What you did to me is unforgivable but I love you. I don't know how to move past you. I don't know how to forgive you. I have tried to forgive you but I can't.' Harry stopped and gulped, his throat hurting from the emotions stuck there. Louis could hardly breathe after hearing all that Harry had said. Both of them were softly crying. Freddie padded into the kitchen and Louis quickly wiped his eyes not wanting his son to see him crying.

'Daddy,' he whined. 'Are we going to watch the movie? I'm sleepy.' Louis got up off the chair and squatted in front of Freddie who yawned loudly.

'Tell you what? How about you have a little nap while I make us popcorn and some tea for Harry then we can watch the movie yeah.' Freddie rubbed his tired eyes.  
'What about ice-cream?'

'Well that depends on you buddy. If you go lie down and have a nap maybe I will let you have popcorn and ice-cream.' Freddie smiled tiredly and threw his arms around Louis' neck.

'I love you,' he whispered. Louis hugged him to his chest all the while aware that Harry's eyes were on them. He didn't want to hurt him but he didn't want to take away from his son either.

'I love you too bud. Go on. Lie on the couch. I'll wake you when the popcorn is done.' Freddie nodded, waved at Harry and stumbled back into the living room. Louis made fresh cups of tea, setting a mug in front of Harry and resumed his seat. Harry looked at him.

'Popcorn and ice-cream are a little too much junk food don't you think?' he told him with a small smile. Louis reciprocated the smile.

'I don't get to spoil him much so when I have him I try to give him what he wants,' he said quietly. Silence settled in the kitchen, neither of them speaking, neither of them knowing what to say.

'I miss you,' Harry said quietly keeping his eyes on his tea.

'I miss you too,' Louis said, his voice choked up.

'So what do we do?' Harry asked him.

'I don't know. Well I do know what I want to do but....'

'But what?' Harry asked him, raising his head to meet his eyes. Louis licked his lips.

'I want to love you again. I want to hug you and kiss you and,' his voice broke as fresh tears rolled down his face. 'But I don't know if I'm allowed to do those things. I want you Harry. Back in my life but I know it's not possible. I know you can't forgive me and I don't know how I'm supposed to let you walk out of my home and go back to living without you. I don't know how to live without you. I've tried God I've tried but...but I just can't.' Louis sobbed quietly, tears dripping into his tea. Harry took in a deep breath and stood up, pushing his chair back. Louis' head jerked up.

'Are you leaving already?' he asked him, the fear clawing inside of him because how could he let him walk out of his life again? 'Harry don't go yet. Please. Just stay a little longer.' Harry didn't walk towards the hallway to the front door, instead he walked over to Louis. He held his hand out to him and Louis took it and the moment their hands met, Louis wanted to collapse at his feet. Harry helped him up and they stood facing each other.

'I don't want to go Lou,' he said softly and at the mention of his nickname Louis let out another sob. 'Hold me,' Harry begged quietly and Louis didn't need to be told twice. He wrapped his arms around Harry and pulled him into his chest, Harry wrapping his arms around Louis' waist having to lower himself a little since he was taller and they embraced, both crying softly into each other. When they broke the hug they looked at each other.

'What now?' Harry asked. Louis wiped his eyes with a napkin. He reached out tentatively and cupped Harry's cheek.

'Whatever you want. Just tell me what you want and I'll do it Harry. For you I will do anything, be anything.' Harry bit down on his lower lip, thinking.

'Can I stay and watch the movie with you guys? You think Freddie will mind?' Louis laughed.

'Of course you can stay and no he won't mind at all. I must warn you though, he will talk your ear off. He talks a lot.' Harry smiled.  
'I'd like that.'

As promised, Louis made popcorn and ice-cream and they sat on the couch with Freddie in the middle watching The Lion King then Toy Story, then Cars. Half way through Cars though, Freddie fell asleep with his head on Harry's lap.

'He's so much like you,' Harry told Louis. 'Talkative, sassy, funny. He's got your eyes.' Louis smiled.

'So you're okay with him?' he asked him. Harry ran his fingers through Freddie's soft blonde hair.  
'How could I not be? He's just a child. If you thought I hated him....'

'No I didn't I just....'

'You thought I did. Admit it.' Louis blushed.

'I kinda did yeah but its only because I thought you hated me....'

'I never hated you,' Harry admitted. 'Never.' Louis reached out and caressed his cheek.

'I'm grateful.' He stood up and picked Freddie up, cradling him in his arms. 'Be right back. Just gonna put him to bed.' Harry nodded and stayed sat where he was. After a few minutes Louis came back down.

'He's out like a light,' he told him as he sat back down on the couch. 'So um you want something to eat or drink? Or do you um wanna go home?' Harry fiddled with his rings.

'Can I stay? Please?' Louis' eyes went wide.

'You want to stay the night?' Harry nodded.

'If its okay with you.' Louis scratched the back of his neck.

'Yeah I mean of course yeah.' Harry scooted closer to him until they were pressed up against each other.

'Help me forgive you Lou,' he said softly. 'I'm tired of fighting this losing battle. I'm never going to stop loving you and wanting you so please help me forgive you.' Louis caressed his face, his skin so soft and he leaned in, searching Harry's face for a reaction. When he saw none, he gently pressed his lips to Harry's and it felt like he was breathing for the first time in forever. It was an innocent kiss, no tongue just lips moving against each other, reuniting, reacquainting themselves with each other.

'Is this alright?' Louis asked him.

'Yeah,' Harry breathed.

'I'll make myself worthy of your love again Harry. Is this you giving me a chance to redeem myself?' Louis asked him hopefully. Harry looked into his eyes.  
'This is me asking you to love me again because life has no meaning without you. YOU are my life. I can't keep punishing you and punishing myself in the process.'  
'Why now?' Louis asked. Harry chewed on his bottom lip before answering.

'It was either now or never. Your letter gave me much to think about. You were right. I am stubborn. Maybe if I listened to you before, maybe....but I was so hurt Louis. All I could think about was how could you do that to me. When I read your letter, I realized that all along I have been trying to forget you but was still in love with you and when you told me that you still loved me, I don't know, something changed. I had to come to you.' Louis smiled and placed a kiss on his nose.  
'We are soul mates. Our souls stayed joined even when we drifted apart. I am thankful that you are giving me this chance Harry and I will make it up to you and I will never hurt you again. Ever. I swear to God that.....' Harry shut him up by placing his lips on Louis', this time Harry parting his lips for Louis and when Louis' tongue touched Harry's they both moaned softly into each other's mouth as they rediscovered each other. They made out for a bit on the couch, whispering renewed promises to each other, Louis being the one reassuring Harry that he would never hurt him again, hands exploring but no going any further for the time being. They fell asleep on the couch, Louis spooning Harry, their bodies fitting together like perfect pieces.

When Louis woke up the next morning, the living room was bright with sunlight and Harry was gone. He sat up quickly making himself dizzy. He wondered if he had dreamed all that had happened last night! Had he? Had Harry really come here and they had reconciled? Before he had time to doubt himself, he heard Freddie giggle from the kitchen. Freddie! Shit! He had forgotten that Freddie was here because he had gotten a full night's sleep after so many sleepless nights and he felt well rested! He got up off the couch and hurried into the kitchen and found Harry making breakfast, Freddie helping him.

'Good morning,' Harry said, giving Louis a smile.

'Daddy!' Freddie squealed. 'We are making pancakes. Can Harry stay today?' Louis rubbed his face with both his hands because this was surely a dream. Harry in the kitchen with Freddie making pancakes! This was like his wildest fantasy and it was happening right before his eyes. 'Can he daddy?' Freddie asked again. Harry ruffled Freddie's hair.

'Let your dad have some coffee first. Let me tell you a secret. Your dad is really grumpy in the morning unless he has his coffee because coffee is like magic. It transforms him from grumpy to happy like Snow White's dwarfs!' Freddie giggled.

'But daddy is not a dwarf silly,' he said laughing. Harry raised an eyebrow at Louis.

'Well that is debatable,' he said smiling at Louis giving him a wink. Louis chuckled. Harry was teasing him.

'So Harry here thinks I'm a dwarf does he?' Louis said as he walked over to his son and tickled him. 'Tell Harry that I'm an ogre, a big bad ogre who will gobble you up if I don't have my coffee NOW!' Freddie screamed as Louis tickled him.

'Shrek!' Freddie screamed. 'Daddy is Shrek!' Louis tickled him more.

'Oh so I'm Shrek now huh? And what is Harry ey?' Freddie took in a deep breath, squirming in Louis' arms still giggling.

'Harry is Prince Eric. He gets to kiss the mermaid!' Harry pouted.

'Can I be the mermaid? I always wanted to be a mermaid.'

'You're a boy!' Freddie squealed. 'You can't be Ariel.'

'Can too!' Harry said teasing the boy.

'Then I'll be the Prince who gets to kiss Ariel,' Louis said as he leaned over Freddie and placed a kiss on Harry's lips. He waited for Freddie's reaction. Harry held his breath. Freddie looked from one to the other then clapped happily.

'Okay Harry you're the mermaid and daddy is the Prince then daddy you can marry Harry and live happily ever after.'

'Oh look what you did there,' Louis told him, 'you rhymed. Marry Harry.' Freddie smiled happily. Harry clapped his hands.

'Okay guys sit. Breakfast is served.' Louis picked Freddie up off the counter and sat him on a chair and went back to help Harry with the plates. He looked at him with tender eyes.

'You think you can get used to this?' Louis asked him hopefully. Harry pecked his lips, gently, softly.

'I have dreamed of this all my life. You, me, our home, our kids, being domestic together.' Louis looked down.

'But Freddie, he.....'

'He's a part of you. I will love him as my own Louis. If you'll let me.'

'You will?' Louis asked him, a little bewildered and plenty happy.

'Yes of course. I want.....' Harry paused and took in a deep breath, let it out but remained silent.

'Hey talk to me. Tell me what you want.'

'I still want what we had planned when we were younger. I want to settle down Louis. I want a family. I want us, our home, our kids. I....I want Freddie to be ours. If you still want that.' Louis couldn't speak so he wrapped Harry in his arms instead.

'Oh baby yes I want it too, all of it, like we had planned. In time when you are sure that you have forgiven me, we will have it all. God I love you.' Harry pulled back.

'What will Brianna say?' he asked him worriedly. 'Will she be okay with this? With us being together? What if she keeps Freddie from you because we are together?' Louis thought about it for a second then grinned at Harry.

'Guess its time to call my lawyer to get me joint custody of my son. With you by my side I will fight her for him. Then we'll ask Freddie what he thinks about having two dads. What do you say hmmm?' Harry pecked his lips and smiled.

'I like the sound of that. Our son. Sounds good.' Louis leaned in and kissed him deeply, passionately. 

'Welcome home baby,' he said against his lips.


End file.
